Sunday, May 31, 2009

A happy day for my family

Today is a very happy and important day for my family.

Especially for my sister and brother in law.

Because my sister has successfully delivered a baby girl for the second time.


A warm welcome to this new baby girl who is part of our family now.

Hopefully everyone in the family will be happy. Dont be like me.

I wont be seeing my new niece until August. Hopefully i can go back happily and meet her after my exam.

Just now i went up a hill near my house. I went up for the first time last week. I feel that it was actually quite a nice place up there. So i decided to go again today. After study for few hours, I started at around 5:15pm and came back down at 6pm. It was really a very nice place. I feel sometimes is good to go up there and relax, enjoy the fresh air. Enjoy the scenary of seremban. When u looking at the houses and the cars from above, you will feel that actually the world is just a very small place. Just depends on from where you are looking at it. Now, i am looking from the top.
Although the process of going up the hill was very suffering. My leg was aching and i was tired. I am not moutain climbing type of person. But once i reached up the top of the hill. The feeling was fantastic. I learned a lession from there, sometimes, whenever what are we doing in life, the process can very hard and suffering, but once you reached the top, all your effort will not be wasted. So dont give up! Hopefully, climbing hill theory is also applicable in my life.

The view from the top.

The way to the top

Finally i reaching the top

Thursday, May 28, 2009

New watch.

Today i finally got a new watch.

I have been without a watch for 1 week since I lost my old one.

As watch is very important for me in clinical school.

quite cheap thought.....

Just RM39.90 from Tesco.

Hope can last long.....

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Suddenly i feel like saying this.

Recently, i looked very happy most of the time in the uni. I mixed more with some friends who i rarely talk with. I spent time together with them more than my usual friends. I study together with them, I play futsal with them. I enjoy most of the time in uni...i guess

I dont know why but i have the feeling that I should appreciate friendship more. I feel better when i hang around with new group of friends, where i can temporary forget about my identity in the past. I feel like i want to become a new person. Forget about the old Kean Seng. Although some people may just say that is just a small exam.....yeap, i agree...but no doubt that i still hurt because of that. Because I am still myself in the end. It depends on how you face it. Well, i accept the fact and result, but I dont want to remind myself of that. I want to get rid of it.

Right now, i study harder than usual. ..much much harder. However, i spent lesser time in the ward. I think is time for me to rebuilt my foundation theory. My confident level now is totally zero. I feel like I fell down from a stair....from very very high level and now start from zero. But nvm....I will try.

I perfer to spend most of the time outside..Not at home. I feel more happy being outside. Either alone or with a friend. I not sure whether this is a correct way to face my everyday life? or not....Anyway, I will be having EOS very soon. And i will know it soon as well. Is better for me to enjoy the rest of my time with my friends now everyday. Because i dont know whether I can reach Semester 8 together with them or not. Althought many of them think that this kind of thing wont happen to me....but you will never know.

Sometimes i think...Why i so like to being so harsh with myself. Last time i used to console those who dint do well in exam. As if i can really accept that results doesnt matter to me. But when you are the victim, you just cant help yourself. Can i just be more optimistic and more cheerful. Can i see obstacles in life as a stepping stone for myself? Can i be more brave and more willing to accept failure? I doubt that.

Maybe this is my own defence mechanism. Changing everything in life in order to forget the past. I know there are more and more problems to come in the future. But just let me get rid of this first.

Sometimes i can see life in a beautiful way. Sometimes i cant.
If i can stand back up after suffering from panic disorder in the past. I can do the same this kind. Maybe I am more brave than I know, but i just like to choose it the hard way, the suffering way. Am i having depression? Maybe yes, maybe not.....What is so wrong of having depression? as long as you can stand back up later....Why not?

Again, I swear........I will be one of the best. One of the best in the batch.

Good night, Kean Seng.
Take care yourself and good luck.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Blame the double helix.

Today when i first reached uni, i walked pass through the usual way i took to the library. But when i passed through a class room, i saw Dr Elango teaching inside, with some of student sitting in front of him. I feel weird because the classroom was so dark. I cant really see Dr. Elango's face but based on the voices and his body figure i can roughly know who is he. Why is he teaching in the dark? Probably he teaching how to see a fundoscope, so they switch off the light. When i reached the lift, i cant see any digital number on the lift. ( The lift is not working) i guess. Damn, what happened?

I walked up the first floor, i realized that only the exit light was on. Basically it was dark, i only realized that was no electricity in IMU. Some of the people told me that whole Seremban was affected. I see.............Later, some of the people told me that the WHOLE MALAYSIA was affected... OMG!!!!! What is going on right now? Some alien finally start destroying the earth and cut down the electric supply?
During 8:45pm

During 9:15am

The class was cancel today. Because it is quite impossible for us to have class without electricity. We need power point presentation. Some of my friends start complaining about the weather. Some cant sit still......Some never even want to step in the classroom. Since i cant study, i spent some time talking with some of my friend in the dark. It was fun....

The lesson i learned today was that...sometimes...teachnology is so advanced that we human are too dependent on it. Last time during our ancestor life, they would have survive everyday without even a fan. Now, all of us are so used to aircon....We have a functioning impairment and cognitive impairment without electricity. So their genes better or ours?

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Anger and Frustrated

People always used to said :" this is life"...What exactly life means to you? and how exactly life means to you ? how do you treat your life? how do you live your life? this that the life you want?

Following the traumatic exam i had last 2 weeks, i now realized that life is really uncertain. You will not know what will happen next moment of your life. You can win a lottery, you can ended up in accident, you can get hurt, get murdered, get promoted, get sacked. .....Few months ago, I still manage to score and did well in exam, everything looks okay for me. My future looks bright..Suddenly, now...i dont even know i will get through semester 7. I have a low self confident all the time. I think my confident only come when the i am in that situation, for example night before exam, that's the only time when my confident come and i can tell everyone that:" just bring it on, i am full of confident."

I dont like people to worry me or pitty me. Last few weeks, i looked into someone eyes and expression makes me feel that she is pittying me because of my exam. I admit that I am sad and depressed recently because i dint do well in exam. I swear that I am die trying to become back myself. Now, my mind is full of anger, depressed, frustration......not because i angry at someone, is just i am angry why i got into this kind of situation..... I thank some of my friends who concern about me. I know what am i going to do. I dont know whether i can be successful or not. But the important thing in this life is you must try.

For those who looked down on me, for those who kesian me. You all watch out, i will show you my true potential very soon.

Friday, May 22, 2009

I swear

Now i admit that i did mistakes in my exam and now i am suffering from the consequences. But i swear i am going to bounce back one day. I swear..................

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

When i am helpless.

Recently many unhappy things happened in my life. Firstly is due to exam. Althought i did quite well and was satisfied with my clinical examination. However, i did badly in my theory paper. Until now, i still cant accept the facts that i did so badly because i never did so badly before. Probably because i using the wrong technique for my theory paper. Because of negative marking for wrong answer, i dare not to take the risk of answering the question that i am not sure of. Unfortunately, i did a mistake by leaving too much blank answer during the exam. Which i ended up scoring so low in the exam.

So.......poor results........that is still not worst enough, worst enough is there are some friends who like to talk to me by saying:" Kean Seng sure get highest 1 lar.......always study" That is the words that hurts me the most at that moment. Some asked me what did i get for exam, i told them i dint do well in exam. You know what is their next response??? " Dont lie" ...... Deep down within me, i already feel very down and depressed once i saw my results so bad. But i really cant describe the feelings when heard what my friends said to me. The worst feeling was that, i cannot showed that i am so depressed but what i can do is to smile to them and walk away as far as i can.

Life have been so tough since i came to Seremban Clinical School. Previously, in Bukit Jalil, i score well in most of the exam. Which i was happy during that moment because i made my parents and family proud. Since i come to clinical school, i can hardly adapt to the new environment and learning methods. I really listen to what lecturers advise on us " Stay in the ward, learn from the patient." I really did that. In fact, i dare to say that i stayed in the ward more than any of them in my group. But in the end, looks what kind of result i got?? I realized that i really not good in answering theory paper especially like MCQ. But i myself dont want to take it as excuse to forgive myself.

Life in Seremban have been so stressful that i wish i never come here at all. Every time when i am studying, either in library or anywhere else. Some who passes by sure see me in one kind of expression. Isn't it appropriate for me as a medical student to be hardworking? Why everytime when i studied late at night or i told my friend i studied whole night, they will said that :" i am crazy??" Actually i just being honest to them that i studied. I dont want to lie to my friend.In the end, they address me as crazy. Last time, whenever any of my friends dint do well in exam or any problem in academy, if they asked for my help......i could not recall any time where i rejected them. Even thought i dont think is my job. Because I realized that some of them needed help. They are not stupid but they just need help. Now............When i encountered problem....Some say i lie about my result, some dont believe about my results. When i know i did badly for my result, i need to be more hardworking and change my style of learning, in the end, some asked my why stay in the library and study. When i have problem, i dont expect anyone to help me..........because i dont believe anyone can help me. But what i appreciate the most is they dont say anything that will hurt me more. These 2 days is the worst day of my life in uni. Instead of using the proper stair, i need to use the exit stair to go somewhere else. Just to avoid people. I dont want to force myself to smile when i am not happy. The person i think can help me the most is my mum, but i dont want her to know because i dont want her to worried about me.

Not only about exam, my research and CSCF visit also encountered a lot of problem. My research project has not been going quite well. First, we dont have enough team member to perform our task. In our group, we dont have someone who can guide the whole team, no one direct and divide the task among the group members. In the end, all of us doing it blindly. Sometimes i have no choice but to step up and divide the task, to tell them what are we going to do next. Actually for me, i dont enjoy doing this kind of job. But sometimes i really have no choice but to do the job of the leader. I not saying that my group members are useless or lazy. In fact, all of them are very hardworking and cooperative. But i hope we have someone who can guide the team, someone who can motivate and push the team. I really hate doing this kind of job. This friday, because 2 of my friends have ward round, only me and my another partner will be doing our research. This is already our third research session. Our research sample requried around 100 patient. But after 2 session we only managed to get 15 patients. Since when we only can reach that target? Somemore I am the one that must learn how to use the program for data analysis and i am supposed to teach the members how to use it. What cant any of them learn it and teach me how to use. I really envy some other groups because they are far ahead of us and they have a good research tutor. Sometimes, i feel more stress and down when i heard some of my friends complain about their research. Because in the whole batch, my research group is one of the slowest group.

So who say the world is fair....? I helped so many people but who can i ask for help when i need it ? i never ever say poeple stupid in study before. I believe everyone is smart just that in a different way. In fact i encouraged people to work harder. Why some people like to relate intelligence with resutls. Now everyday, i really hope that i can eat alone and peacefully. I almost dont know why i want to become a doctor. To suffer all these stressful event ? or to help people ? What is the purpose of waking up everyday ???? To face these stressful event again? Sometimes, i really tired....i feel like let go of everything from my shoulder. Sometimes, i feel like carrying my own body is so heavy. Where can i stop and rest when there is a thunderstorm and heavy rain out there?
I dont like when people say :" you everytime say you screw up your exam , but in the end still get A". Everytime I said this to people, i really have that kind of feeling. I dont expect anything from them, i just wanna voice up my feeling to other people so that i wont keep it within myself, so that i can feel better. I would be very thankful and happy if they just said :" nvm, you have tried your best." Unfortunately, they chose to responce me in another way. this kind of responce really makes me more upset ans sad than before i said out. In the end, who can be my listener?
People think that failure and difficulty is impossible in me. Because everyone said :" aiyooo......where got possible, you are Kean Seng wat." Actually i really feel happy when people said this. But i just wanna clarify that Kean Seng also have a difficulties in life and sometimes he also can fall down same as other people .He is not untouncable and vulnarable, he is just a normal human who can fall down in life some time, and need to get up and continue running.