Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Suddenly i feel like saying this.

Recently, i looked very happy most of the time in the uni. I mixed more with some friends who i rarely talk with. I spent time together with them more than my usual friends. I study together with them, I play futsal with them. I enjoy most of the time in uni...i guess

I dont know why but i have the feeling that I should appreciate friendship more. I feel better when i hang around with new group of friends, where i can temporary forget about my identity in the past. I feel like i want to become a new person. Forget about the old Kean Seng. Although some people may just say that is just a small exam.....yeap, i agree...but no doubt that i still hurt because of that. Because I am still myself in the end. It depends on how you face it. Well, i accept the fact and result, but I dont want to remind myself of that. I want to get rid of it.

Right now, i study harder than usual. ..much much harder. However, i spent lesser time in the ward. I think is time for me to rebuilt my foundation theory. My confident level now is totally zero. I feel like I fell down from a stair....from very very high level and now start from zero. But nvm....I will try.

I perfer to spend most of the time outside..Not at home. I feel more happy being outside. Either alone or with a friend. I not sure whether this is a correct way to face my everyday life? or not....Anyway, I will be having EOS very soon. And i will know it soon as well. Is better for me to enjoy the rest of my time with my friends now everyday. Because i dont know whether I can reach Semester 8 together with them or not. Althought many of them think that this kind of thing wont happen to me....but you will never know.

Sometimes i think...Why i so like to being so harsh with myself. Last time i used to console those who dint do well in exam. As if i can really accept that results doesnt matter to me. But when you are the victim, you just cant help yourself. Can i just be more optimistic and more cheerful. Can i see obstacles in life as a stepping stone for myself? Can i be more brave and more willing to accept failure? I doubt that.

Maybe this is my own defence mechanism. Changing everything in life in order to forget the past. I know there are more and more problems to come in the future. But just let me get rid of this first.

Sometimes i can see life in a beautiful way. Sometimes i cant.
If i can stand back up after suffering from panic disorder in the past. I can do the same this kind. Maybe I am more brave than I know, but i just like to choose it the hard way, the suffering way. Am i having depression? Maybe yes, maybe not.....What is so wrong of having depression? as long as you can stand back up later....Why not?

Again, I swear........I will be one of the best. One of the best in the batch.

Good night, Kean Seng.
Take care yourself and good luck.

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