Wednesday, May 20, 2009

When i am helpless.

Recently many unhappy things happened in my life. Firstly is due to exam. Althought i did quite well and was satisfied with my clinical examination. However, i did badly in my theory paper. Until now, i still cant accept the facts that i did so badly because i never did so badly before. Probably because i using the wrong technique for my theory paper. Because of negative marking for wrong answer, i dare not to take the risk of answering the question that i am not sure of. Unfortunately, i did a mistake by leaving too much blank answer during the exam. Which i ended up scoring so low in the exam.

So.......poor results........that is still not worst enough, worst enough is there are some friends who like to talk to me by saying:" Kean Seng sure get highest 1 lar.......always study" That is the words that hurts me the most at that moment. Some asked me what did i get for exam, i told them i dint do well in exam. You know what is their next response??? " Dont lie" ...... Deep down within me, i already feel very down and depressed once i saw my results so bad. But i really cant describe the feelings when heard what my friends said to me. The worst feeling was that, i cannot showed that i am so depressed but what i can do is to smile to them and walk away as far as i can.

Life have been so tough since i came to Seremban Clinical School. Previously, in Bukit Jalil, i score well in most of the exam. Which i was happy during that moment because i made my parents and family proud. Since i come to clinical school, i can hardly adapt to the new environment and learning methods. I really listen to what lecturers advise on us " Stay in the ward, learn from the patient." I really did that. In fact, i dare to say that i stayed in the ward more than any of them in my group. But in the end, looks what kind of result i got?? I realized that i really not good in answering theory paper especially like MCQ. But i myself dont want to take it as excuse to forgive myself.

Life in Seremban have been so stressful that i wish i never come here at all. Every time when i am studying, either in library or anywhere else. Some who passes by sure see me in one kind of expression. Isn't it appropriate for me as a medical student to be hardworking? Why everytime when i studied late at night or i told my friend i studied whole night, they will said that :" i am crazy??" Actually i just being honest to them that i studied. I dont want to lie to my friend.In the end, they address me as crazy. Last time, whenever any of my friends dint do well in exam or any problem in academy, if they asked for my help......i could not recall any time where i rejected them. Even thought i dont think is my job. Because I realized that some of them needed help. They are not stupid but they just need help. Now............When i encountered problem....Some say i lie about my result, some dont believe about my results. When i know i did badly for my result, i need to be more hardworking and change my style of learning, in the end, some asked my why stay in the library and study. When i have problem, i dont expect anyone to help me..........because i dont believe anyone can help me. But what i appreciate the most is they dont say anything that will hurt me more. These 2 days is the worst day of my life in uni. Instead of using the proper stair, i need to use the exit stair to go somewhere else. Just to avoid people. I dont want to force myself to smile when i am not happy. The person i think can help me the most is my mum, but i dont want her to know because i dont want her to worried about me.

Not only about exam, my research and CSCF visit also encountered a lot of problem. My research project has not been going quite well. First, we dont have enough team member to perform our task. In our group, we dont have someone who can guide the whole team, no one direct and divide the task among the group members. In the end, all of us doing it blindly. Sometimes i have no choice but to step up and divide the task, to tell them what are we going to do next. Actually for me, i dont enjoy doing this kind of job. But sometimes i really have no choice but to do the job of the leader. I not saying that my group members are useless or lazy. In fact, all of them are very hardworking and cooperative. But i hope we have someone who can guide the team, someone who can motivate and push the team. I really hate doing this kind of job. This friday, because 2 of my friends have ward round, only me and my another partner will be doing our research. This is already our third research session. Our research sample requried around 100 patient. But after 2 session we only managed to get 15 patients. Since when we only can reach that target? Somemore I am the one that must learn how to use the program for data analysis and i am supposed to teach the members how to use it. What cant any of them learn it and teach me how to use. I really envy some other groups because they are far ahead of us and they have a good research tutor. Sometimes, i feel more stress and down when i heard some of my friends complain about their research. Because in the whole batch, my research group is one of the slowest group.

So who say the world is fair....? I helped so many people but who can i ask for help when i need it ? i never ever say poeple stupid in study before. I believe everyone is smart just that in a different way. In fact i encouraged people to work harder. Why some people like to relate intelligence with resutls. Now everyday, i really hope that i can eat alone and peacefully. I almost dont know why i want to become a doctor. To suffer all these stressful event ? or to help people ? What is the purpose of waking up everyday ???? To face these stressful event again? Sometimes, i really tired....i feel like let go of everything from my shoulder. Sometimes, i feel like carrying my own body is so heavy. Where can i stop and rest when there is a thunderstorm and heavy rain out there?
I dont like when people say :" you everytime say you screw up your exam , but in the end still get A". Everytime I said this to people, i really have that kind of feeling. I dont expect anything from them, i just wanna voice up my feeling to other people so that i wont keep it within myself, so that i can feel better. I would be very thankful and happy if they just said :" nvm, you have tried your best." Unfortunately, they chose to responce me in another way. this kind of responce really makes me more upset ans sad than before i said out. In the end, who can be my listener?
People think that failure and difficulty is impossible in me. Because everyone said :" aiyooo......where got possible, you are Kean Seng wat." Actually i really feel happy when people said this. But i just wanna clarify that Kean Seng also have a difficulties in life and sometimes he also can fall down same as other people .He is not untouncable and vulnarable, he is just a normal human who can fall down in life some time, and need to get up and continue running.

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