Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My heart finally speaks

The long battle has finally finished. While waiting for the last few seconds of my End of Semester 7 to be over. I dont feel happy, I dont feel relief, I dont feel anything.......I dont feel anything....I feel so tired, I feel that my body are going to break into pieces. My hands and feets were cold and sweaty, cold sweat all over my face, I know I dint do so well in the exam....

Is not that I dont know how to answer the questions, sometimes i dont understand what the questions want....sometimes i knew that i have missed something during the exam and I plan to go back and answer it later, in the end...I dont have enough time to go back to that questions. Overall, I know I dint do well in exam. I can do better..

Yet, everything's over. Either i can make it or not. Friday is the day for borderline viva...I dont know whether should I feel happy or nervous or sad if i fall in the viva list. I should feel happy because exam is over, but i dont feel anything......I dont enjoy staying at home or going anywhere. I just want this to be over....so that I can go home, go back to my family. Everyone is waiting me to come home. They have faith in me, my mother has faith in me, my sister has faith in me, my friends have faith in me....but I dont have faith in myself.

From time to time, when I feel tired and exhausted, this questions will "pop out" in my mind. "Am I good enough to become a doctor?". I now realized that studying medicine is not just hard work and talent. You neeed to have the correct attitude and thinking. Being a perfectionist since a small kid, entering medical school was tough for me initially. I wants everything to be perfect, I expect myself to be able to asnwer 99% of the questions to consider myself pass the exam, I expect myself to know everything in and out in medicine. I will blame myself if I dint do so well in exam, because I forgot one of the most important lesson in life " No one is perfect."

Therefore, during phase 1 in Bukit Jalil...I studied hard and expected alot from myself....yes i think the process is hard and tough, but in the end I got the results I want. I "passed" myself. Maybe because i succeded in everything since small. My mum sent me for art class since standard 1 and I ended up winning in all the drawing competitions. My room is full of trophies just because of this. My mum sent me for quior class since standard 2, I was part of the school quior team and we ended up in 2 runner up and champion 3 years consecutively. We even represented to participate in quior competion in KL and we won top 4 in Malaysia. I started to play football since standard 5 and I told myself that I must represent my school or my state in football. In the end, I ended up represent my school under-14 until under-17. I was one of the 3 youngest players in the under-21 football tournament when I was only 16 years old.

I started playing handball during form 2, when I dont even know what is handball. Later on i got interested in this sport and I represented my school since form 3 until form 5. We got first runner up for 3 consecutive years, we loss to SM Simpang Empat in all 3 finals. 3 of my teammates including me, 4 of us from chung ling high school and the rest from SM Simpang Empat, together we make into Penang Handball Team to represent Penang in MSSM, Perlis. That is the best achivement I have in handball.

I feel proud in all the achievement i've made, because I keep telling myself that hardwork will brings me success. This includes studying medicine. I always wanted to help people when I was small, if I not mistaken since primary 6. I remembered my mum told me this few years back. She said when I was a small kid, everytime I saw poor old aunty and uncle walked across the street, I always request my parents to bring them home and take care of them, and I always scolded them because they dint listen to me. LoL.....yes, i like to help people, especially old people, but I dont know why......I wanted to spend time talking to them, makes them happy and take care of them. Of course I like to help anyone who needs help. That's why I studied medicine. My mum used to advise me to study other course instead of medicine because she said helping people can be in many diff ways. Yes, i do realised that...we can always donate money to old folk home or charity or special school to help those people. I wished to help people not using my money, but by using my knowledge, my time, my sleep, my energy and my heart. I wanted to sacrify my time and sleep for them. Therefore here I am, studying medicine and on the way to become a doctor.

Things changed when I come to clinical school. Hardwork dont give me success, instead it makes me feel more dissapointed. I sleep lesser and lesser...I spent most of my time doing presentation, doing report, clerking patient and learn in the ward. But in the end, I still dint do well in my exam. After the first dissapointment, I haven;t give up..I keeps trying.......then i get dissapointed again.....I keeps trying.......then disapointed, disapointed.....disapointed.....That's the time i started to doubt my own ability to study medicine. My research project keeps bothering me throughout semester 7, stress, frustration, dissapointment, anger....I suppressed it whenever it appears in my mind.....I believe that I am doing the right thing.

Maybe i dint dissapoint myself, is all the events that happened in me dissapointed me. I started to feel sick about exam..pass...fail..whatever...I feel tired...my life is no longer perfect.........I no longer have confident in myself and I no longer believe in hardwork anymore. Only all my luck has gone.....no longer there........I dont know what am I gonna react if i got into borderline viva or i failed the exam on friday. Whatever it is.....I just want to go home, Seremban is not a place for me.....I just want to go home....If i was given another choice, maybe i wont choose studying medicine anymore....maybe i should forget about helping other people...because I cant even help myself.....I dont want to go thru semester 7 again...I think I am depressed...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

bro, you're stressing yourself way too much. you're too goal orientated. life isn't always about the destination. it isn't that dusty choir medal hanging in your room that define you and make you who you are today. it was the boy who sang out of pitch on the first day, the late night practice in front of the family, that long bus ride to KL. that was the things that matter. it was what made you, you. an achievement defines success only as a clock defines time. it progresses whether or not u look at it. likewise, being a good doctor itn't about not making any mistakes. it is not about always being able to come up with accurate diagnoses. every other doctor could have done that. it is about that extra 5 minutes that u spent with that lady with placenta previa everyday. the 5 minutes in which she looks forward to everyday. the 5 minutes that give her the boost to go on another day. THAT is what makes you a good doctor. that is what makes you a good human. and i see that in you. so keep up the good work, persevere. have faith. you'll make it. you can make a difference.